For the past 10 years I remember spending every birthday working in some crappy strip club in a crappy town to pay for a night in some disgusting hotel room that I would be lucky enough to pay for the next morning at check out time. My birthday would be a good night and if I could pay for a whole week at a time. Sweet relief then I had the chance to take a day off and rest. A day of sleep. And a whole day without having to deal with a man.
This past year was my 30 birthday and I had my first ever real birthday party in a small Church of Christ in a small community in Texas. The party was a surprise breakfast put together by 5 of the most innocent people I’ve ever known in my life. That call me their sister.
As I sat there soaking it all I cried. They still have no idea why I cried. I just said I was so grateful! And pulled myself together.
In my mind I’m thinking
“How the hell did we get here?”
The magnate of God’s goodness is so foreign to me. After all my sucide and drug use began at 13. Pretty much to sum it up my Mom gave my Dad full custody because she had her own issues.
Then my Dad spent the next decade telling me how stupid and worthless I was.
“I’d never be anything but pregnant bare foot working at Wal-Mart.”
He loved to tell my friends parents how horrible I was.If we got into trouble as a group he would always say it was probably my idea.
He would tell my friends parents lies about me so that, they didn’t get to close. If he could keep everyone away then they would never see the real him.My aunts would try to help with me and my father refused. He never really let anyone to close to us. Maybe it was pride, narcissism, or just the way he was raised. You don’t ask for help right!!
I always remember staying here and staying there which was fine with me because i just wanted away from him. As bad as he wanted away from me. He would always say, ” I need my own life.”
like the darts, bars, parties, girls, and anything else was better than being with me.
Years went by without my Mom my Aunt would take me to see her every now and then. She would buy me clothes, but she was always drunk, not the kind of drunk my Dad was a different kind shaking, falling down, and oh how she would turn on me!! After all I was the source of her pain (I thought) In the meantime i am seeing how much my peers parents want adore and invest in them. Something wasn’t right???
Thinking how awful I must be. My own Mother DOES NOT want me.
And my Dad verbal abuse was taking its toll..
Finally I went to live with my mother after many running away attempts. Once my probation officer got called a, “dumb nigger bitch” by my father. And i refused to leave the facilities with him. I would have rather stayed in juvenile. Hell they were nice to me.
They tracked down my mom and said i could go live with her.
Rebellious and free at last, full of hurt despair scars. While at my Moms nothing changed. She would sit outside my barricaded door and cuss and tell me all kinds horrible thing i was. By now i am watching my moms psychotic lesbian lover beat her almost daily over jealousy of me, she thought i was trying to take my mom from her. She also hears voices. I was around 16 then. Terrified alone I knew no one. I met the crazy ladies sister who had a guy friend she wanted me to meet. Two weeks later i was engaged to that dude and living at his Moms.
who knows if i liked him? I just didn’t want the crazy lady to kill me in my sleep.
Plus i was tired of watching my mom get beat because of me.
From there, I was on my own at 18 i began working in bars as a waitress/bartender. I really didn’t have time to wait two weeks for a paycheck i needed cash. All the while dabbling in every drug known to man. When i was UP i wanted to be down when i was down i wanted to be up. Basically i wanted to be anything but myself whatever i was that was so horrible no one wanted me.
Now the drugs are necessary, plus i have no home I would pull enough money together for a little studio apartment for a while. Then screw that up, the manager of the club would pick me up from a $45 a night hotel room at 4 everyday and take me back at 2am. This was my life, no holidays, dinners, kitchen, towels, dishes, no one even knew where I was. The only person who cared if i was alive or dead was the Lebanese man making 50 dollars in house fees and half my VIP money. All the other girls had family and kids so I was mandatory holidays. For years because I had no where to be.
A strip club is a sad place on Christmas Eve. I convinced myself i was this bad ass gangster independent self made party girl who loved the life she was living.
All the while all I wanted was a family. And a safe place where someone wanted me to come home. Some that cared.
As the years went by my self worth kept declining. To the point where I just didn’t care… ive been kidnapped, raped, beaten, robbed, shot up with experiential batches of rat poison and who knows what else. The last two years on the street I was in a meth induced psychosis. Sleeping in parks, being trafficked left in ditches for dead.
I remember leaving the ER with 16 staples in my head from being cut with a table saw and they asked if they could call anyone and I told her “no, but may I please wash the blood out of my hair so I can go to work, they robbed me and I don’t have any hotel or bus money.”
I was found in a field on a street that is my real first name by a farmer. I know I saw Angels there with me that day. I knew i wasn’t going to die in that field because God told me so.
I lost my first son. That’s what broke me! I was just like my Mom! I had nothing for him no house no job no car no family to help me.
That’s when I lost all respect for myself.
Then by the grace of God i was arrested.
Jail saved my life.
And i would find out in the medical wing my precious baby boys life too. I was 14 days pregnant when i got to jail i had NO bond. I had nothing but a Bible and a baby in my belly. I spent 6 months in county jail, all i did was read my Bible. I had never heard about this whole gospel before i mean yes as a kid but for someone like me how?
The withdraws were demonic I was covered in boils. Smelly and out of my mind. It took months until I could really think clearly. And.it was clear I needed a miricle to keep to keep this baby!
That’s when all I had was faith.
- Those six months I slept & ate with and even copied my Bible on notebook paper. The terrors, memories, and nightmares were so bad that I literally slept with my Bible as a pillow.
- I must have said, ” get behind me Satan I rebuke you 53897 times.
The shame the guilt the baby in my belly, all I could do was pray.
Praying for wisdom.
I must have read the Bible 9 times. dissected every word.
Then on my court date they put me in a holding cell alone. it was the first time id been alone.
Right then and there i gave it all to HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean i fell on the floor babbling praying a language I didn’t understand i felt the Holy Spirit from my head to my toes, I promised God right then and there if he let me keep this baby I would dedicate my child and the rest of my life to Him. I’m not saying tounges. I’m just say there was some serious praying going down.
I repented. I asked him to take over my heart. And boy he did!!!!
3 weeks later I was baptized at 8 months pregnant, in the same church my great grandmother took me when i was A LITTLE GIRL. A month later i gave birth to my son , God has been blessing us every since. My husband has a great job. We were blessed with another son 18 months later. I still get as giddy in my Bible as that first time in jail. Talk about a savior. All I had was God.
That was all I needed
I’m so grateful to have a family and home its ridiculous!!! i wake up with hope. I attend Church take excellent care of my children. I don’t recall them ever having a sitter. Just because i’m so blessed to be here. i know how valuable these little moments are with them because iv’e know the pain of not having them.And a home oh what a wonderful thing, Safety security.
Its all so exciting and unbelievable at the same time. Me of all people is living her dream. I have a happy house hold a love for Jesus like no other and the most wonderful gentle loving kind husband in the entire world.
So thats pretty much it. Im a girl on a budget and cant afford therapy some im gonna blog. hopefully you’ll follow me and see where we go from here.